I've had kind of a shitty day today. Not like... cataclysmic or anything just.... shitty. My headphones that I bought a few months ago, some really expensive Sennheisers, suddenly stopped working for no reason whatsoever. I've contacted Sennheiser to see if they can either have them repaired or replaced because this is bullshit. I paid good money for a set of decent headphones to AVOID this nonsense. So half of my work day consisted of feeling uncomfortable with only one ear getting sound. Other wise, I went out during my lunch break and finally got my hair cut
I feel sooooooo much better now! And I look about 10 years younger. Seriously. Unfortunately, I had a cappuccino at the salon and they must have made with powdered milk, or used instant powder for the whole thing because I've had the worst allergic reaction the entire day.
I think some of you know that I'm allergic to artificial additives and will sometimes have a massive freak out due to a reaction to something. It's not physically visible, but it disrupts a chemical balance in my head and I end up feeling extremely aggressive, uncomfortable, and just generally messed up. It makes my skin ultra sensitive to touch and makes me sensitive to loud noises and makes my brain feel so untethered to reality that it feels like it wants to explode out of my skull and rocket off into the stratosphere. Not out of pain, just out of feeling really really fucked up.
I was not very productive at work... and unfortunately, although I did my best to let know I wasn't feeling well, I don't think it was properly understood how sick I was feeling because I know I physically look and sound perfectly fine and I've learned how to not lash out at people when I feel like this so I was generally pleasant. So I probably seemed really lazy and unfocused today. Oh well. It's honestly not something I could help. At all. At least my hair looks nice.
The allergic reaction's passed by now, but I'm having a very bad night tonight. depression's hit like a sledgehammer, probably a side effect to feeling crappy today, and I'm feeling really truly unhappy, horrible and generally hopeless about the state of the world, my own existence and mortality and just life as a whole. Fun times.
Deppression is difficult to describe to people who haven't experienced it. How do you explain to people how it's possible to focus on other things and giggle at stupid jokes and enjoy something you're doing while at the EXACT same time being completely miserable, fearful and melancholic. I don't think it's possible to understand if you've never experienced it yourself because, when you put it into words, it doesn't sound like it makes much sense.
I've also been hit by the familiar "no-one gives a shit about anything you think or say or do" mindset too the past couple of days. fuuuuuun.
I'm feeling pretty terrible. I'm gonna try and get some sleep now although I'm kinda dreading lying in the dark with nothing to distract me. I have work tomorrow though, and I slept badly last night.
Ugh. ok whatevs. Whiny journal dooooooone.